Ep 18 - Will Copying Others Success Bless Me and My Ministry?

: Welcome everybody into the Gaming Outpost podcast for the church digital. It is another time where we're going to gather together, talk with a friend who's doing digital ministry in Twitch.

: And I hope by doing this podcast, you are able to share this with your church. You share this with other people who might not believe that actually you can go into digital spaces and really do ministry and build relationships.

: So, I hope you share these stories with other people. Uh, my guest today is going to be Comfy Hobbit. So, welcome in Comfy Hobbit.

: How are you doing today?

: Thank you. I'm doing good. It's um 115 heat index, but we're inside. We have AC. We've been blessed. We're good.

: 115 heat index. You must be further south than than I was thinking you were.

: Yes, I'm in the deep south.

: Okay. I I I did live in uh in Texas for a while. So I I do remember the days of having 100 plus temperature for 15 20 days in a row.

: Yes, it's a real thing. And yes, people do actually uh cook cookies in their cars.

: Oh, okay. I'm going to just try to adjust volume levels here. So, give me a second to I think you need to be a little bit louder on my side. All right. Is that any better?

: Oh, I just I just got to adjust and tweak the uh percentage I've got set here. So, I often have my mic set

: Mine was pretty low, too.

: Okay, let's see. That might be better.

: Uh I normally have mine set to about 200% uh for my personal mic. Yeah, I just I set the the stream at 200 and then uh it makes sure that I'm over the top of everything else that's going on.

: All right, that sounds good to me. I'm going to go ahead and shut that down. This this is the kind of fun stuff to uh edit out of the the podcast or leave it in because hey, we're real people doing ministry with no with no tech support behind us.

: And uh we had some fun tech stuff getting started, getting this together. Uh you I I think um are only the second person that I have done uh a podcast with or or a co-streaming together that had an avatar.

: So the la the first one was on Giving Tuesday last year. So I haven't done one since then. So it's good to have I I love the idea of avatars.

: I mean I was a little bit different about that uh to begin with. I didn't understand why people would choose to do some of those things.

: Uh but as I've I've known people that do it, it's like yeah, it's kind of cool. And then then I have one on my fish channel and then and I turn my camera on anyway.

: So it's like why do I have an avatar if I turn my camera on? But

: I um I actually used to do the IRL cam. Um I switched to PNG or like V. Um it actually kind of started because my house is so rambunctious. I've got three little kids and they're running around.

: Everything's going crazy. But um I noticed a difference in my demeanor when I would stream with a camera and then without it. I wasn't being like 100% me on the camera because I was always just, okay, am I smiling enough?

: Am I talking enough? Does my face look happy?

: Oh, yeah.

: I It was so exhausting to like try to be what you would think people would want you to be on a stream cam.

: And I mean, I just I would crash out. I would burn out. So, I was like, "Guys, I love you guys. I do. And I love your company, but I got to go back to PNG.

: I hadn't thought about that. I've heard other people talking about, you know, issues with um especially being female with with people feeling body shamed or whether good or bad um or or being um abusive language towards you because of body image or just not wanting to have harassment of different kinds.

: Like, oh well, that's something I have never had to deal with or face. And so there's also the also protection for your own identity uh as well so that you don't get harassment uh in places that are outside of what you do for streaming.

: Right. Right. And it's so funny because I live in such a small town and you know the whole Tik Tok thing and social media where they where they now ask you to connect your contacts to all of your social medias,

: right?

: Well, don't do that. That was a mistake. I get so many questions in my little small town. Is that you? Like where are you?

: Why are you using that? Are you into anime? It Yeah, it's it's funny. I Well, I do happen to when I introduce myself to to new people that I'm at a conference and doing ministry, I more introduce myself as flat cap than I introduce myself as a name.

: And I get the like what are you why do you what what what is you know give me your real name like

: if you want I'm doing ministry you want to connect with me online this this is who I am and so there's a whole reason why I do this for you know consistency continuity all of those things it but well it's funny is a few

: oh I think it was probably two years ago I I I got invited into working with a ministry in an advisory role And I don't think the person knew his mic was on and I showed up and it said flat cap dapper pastor uh you know in the Zoom call and he had his mic on and he's like not calling him by that name.

: I don't care what he wants to be called. That's not his name. I'm not calling him that. And I'm like oh that's a nice take.

: That's a nice take. you know, I'm I'm here to serve and and you know, it's but I think there's a a learning curve about that and what what I started thinking about on some level and I'm old enough to remember the CB world and part of the reason you came up with a name in the CB world is to identify yourself uniquely because otherwise you get on the CB and you start going through common names. Uh, hey Bob, you got your ears on Bob?

: Okay. Yeah, thousand Bobs all of a sudden go, "Yeah, I got my ears on." So you you came up with those to identify yourself, to separate yourself out so you didn't have to go full name and all of those kinds of things.

: And I think streaming is going back to some of those things we've done before with I have an identity that's unique to me so that you can uh single me out and know who I am in the space so I'm not confused with other people that might have similar names.

: Exactly. Exactly. Um, as a matter of fact, the young girl who actually trims my hair, cuts my hair, she had such a good just simple statement and it just stuck with me.

: She's an entrepreneur of her own and she said, "I am the brand."

: Yes.

: I was like, "That's it.

: You are you are the brand."

: Yeah.

: And it just I don't know. I I think that's something that I struggled with honestly for the last what six years, five years of being on Twitch is I have this horrible issue that I've been dealing with.

: By the way, um mimicking behavior and I think people who have ADHD, they do tend to mimic what they see that works and they sort of mask themselves.

: Well, I I mean I I've done that. Well, when you come to my channel now, thank goodness this is me. I have finally figured out and seen who I am and what makes me happy and makes me joyful.

: And I had miserable years. Oh, it was miserable. It was terrible those last five years trying to make something of what was never meant to be mine.

: Oh, wow. That's that's really good. One of one of the things I think and and and this applies to ministries and churches uh whether you're an individual or you're you're on the whole that I have watched it's the church will watch a church become successful and they'll go if we copy them we'll be successful. That's not what you should do. If you like something they do and it fits who you are then go ahead and do it.

: I I I stole one thing that I really liked from uh I I watch several different people before they ended up getting their, you know, little uh plaques from YouTube and then all of a sudden they get plaques.

: I did that for a while. Like whoever I was watching was getting plaques. It's like, okay, that's weird. I'm in I'm in the trend of watching people.

: Uh, but I was watching a guy that does cruises and so he starts out with uh, you know, welcome to everything going on in cruiseing.

: And, uh, so then then when I'm on my stream and I'm talking about one of the things that rabbis talk about is when you get excited that you learn something in scripture, it's a day for dancing.

: And it's like, okay, well, I'm not going to get up and dance while I'm I'm sitting here in front of the stream. So, how do I do that?

: So it was like this is this is my jazz hands for dancing. You know it's like this is this is my animated I'm I'm going to do dancing and then there's the you know when you find something you don't know in scripture you are going to dance in the day that you discover the thing that you don't know and understand you've got the right question now. So God will at some point hopefully reveal the deeper thing that you don't understand.

: So in that day you'll dance. So when you find something you don't know it's also a day for dancing. And and so it's like I stole that.

: I made it myself. It's it's it's part of me now. But it wasn't because oh, I saw other people that were rabbis that were doing it.

: I combined two separate things, brought them together, made them my own, and and now it's a it doesn't happen like you can plan it, you know, that it's it's like, oh, I know it's going to happen once a week.

: It might not. It might be a month, and then I might have three days in a row uh that something like that happens. But those are the the fun kind of things.

: It's not a matter of you I'm going to cookie cutter whatever you did and right

: and I've had conversations with people with the church digital. We're talking about how to become you know a digital missionary and some people just want to have the well tell me what to do.

: Well I don't know what you should do. I mean

: your gifts

: right? Are are you Moses that's going to have to go wander for 40 years, you know, by yourself in the desert, then have a burning bush and then lead the people out and wander again for 40 years in the desert again because the people didn't get it. I don't know if that's you or you're going to be Abraham. Go to the place I will show you.

: How will I know when I get there? You cuz when you get there, you'll be there. Okay, that's really comforting. Or or are you Paul um you know doing other things?

: Your volume's her volume's still low. Okay, Romans, I'll I'll make work on adjusting that. Thanks for the letting me know that

: it is.

: I swear I'm screaming into this thing.

: It It sounds good to me, but that's a different level than than what's going on to the So, I've got I've got you higher level than myself now.

: So, hopefully that's better. Thanks, Romans.

: Hey, do you know what I noticed that's not happening on my stream that I think is happening on yours?

: I don't see you. Oh, did you not copy me over into

: Okay.

: Oh. Oh. Oh my gosh. I'm so dumb. Hold on.

: That's That's okay. It's okay,

: guys. It's It's It's my first time. Okay. Wait.

: There. There you go. If you could just drag that off of or crop the the hats out there, then I'm not double in in your frame and my frame on my side.

: Okay. Wait, do you want me to put you over here?

: Well, now I show up in yours and I show up uh so I'm double on my side now.

: So, it was better on the other side. I was just saying if you can, you know,

: if I can

: take and do alt and then

: squeeze the the hats out of the the frame.

: Yeah. Yeah.

: I lied. I lied to you. I thought I could.

: There you go. There you go.

: I got you.

: Okay.

: Perfect. Perfect. We've got it now. Okay. I

: Sorry, chat. Anyway, where were we? Uh I don't I don't know exactly where we were, but uh we normally normally I start with the question of how did you get started on Twitch and we were already in a conversation and we just

: Went down that rabbit trail, which is all good. This is like I really love to go wherever the conversation goes. And so this is just going to be fun because it feels to me like you don't care where the conversation goes either.

: We're just here doing ministry, talking about what God's doing in our lives. It's going to be a fun podcast. People buckle up. Stay till the end. Who knows where we're going to land this in two hours from now, but it's going to be good.

: Look, I don't know, but if you guys like all those kinds of like software mistakes, I'm your girl. I got you.

: Hey, Darth Sauron, welcome in. I just want to make sure. Let's just kind of welcome a few people. Romans 10:14 is here. Uh, Bootstraps Boots was here earlier. Who else? Who else do we have? Gamer night, welcome in. Good to see you. I think that's everybody. And if I missed you, I'm sorry.

: Hello, my love. I see you.

: It's Degent. Welcome in. Thanks for the greetings.

: Okay, so I normally start the podcast with—oh, Starbrook.

: Hey, Hannah. Thank you for the follows. Thank you for the follows. I appreciate that so much. Uh, we might get to 300 follows at some point here with this podcast. Yeah, it's kind of interesting to have three different channels with three different levels of followers doing different things. But I like that kind of rhythm of things too. Here's where I do podcasts for the most part, and then I got my 24/7 fish and that's a whole separate thing. And then I've got my time where I am spending reading the Bible and doing those things.

: So let's start with how and where did you get introduced to Twitch? Whether or not you were fully streaming doesn't matter. Just what brought you to Twitch? And then what was your journey to become a Twitch streamer?

: Oh, goodness gracious. All right, y'all hold on. Okay, we're going back some years.

: That's good.

: Um, I think it was like 2018 when I had the idea. I was like, man, stay-at-home mom and, you know, my passion was World of Warcraft at the time and some Call of Duty. And honestly, I was bored. Can't lie to you. Um, I started dabbling in it and I was told by a friend—I don't think he meant it in the way I'm fixing to say it. He didn't mean it any type of way, but he was like, "You know, a personality like yours with that southern accent. He was like, 'We think that you'll do okay.'"

: Yeah, yeah. Well, we tried to, and then our computer just really wasn't that strong in 2018. So I tried, but then about a year went by and hubby got a part-time at Best Buy, which was, you know, discount. Woohoo.

: Yeah.

: So we got some extra computer parts that we needed. A couple things were donated to us and we started Twitch streaming. Well, um, I tried it. I got really discouraged though because I guess maybe things back then just weren't moving fast enough like for me. So I just quit.

: Well,

: I came back and I was like, "No, we're going to do this." You know, I think we can do something with this. And um, I ended up being a Marbles streamer for like years.

: Yeah. Um, I actually met one of my closest friends. I don't know if he's here tonight or not, but um, his name is Bag and you'll see him in my chat quite a lot. He was my first subscriber.

: And isn't that fascinating how you can sometimes remember your first subscriber, your first follower. Uh, there's something special about—oh wow, somebody believed in you enough to be the first one to be committed to what you're doing or even your first mod, you know, those kinds of things. Like I can tell you who all those people were. And whether they're still around or not anymore, it doesn't matter. They were the first and that's still something special.

: And like Bag, I've known him since like—this was before my walk with Christ. He knew me before. And it's kind of—I don't know. You know how you have those people in your life who are like, "Wow, you know, the Christ glow up, you know, whatever they're calling it nowadays. Oh, it's real." You know, he was kind of the only person who encouraged me and still encourages me like outside of family, my husband and my family, you know, but he's like, "Wow, dude, like you are not the same person like at all. This is a whole new person that I have to get to know basically," and that's really encouraging. I don't know if you guys, you know, have anyone like that or maybe you guys go through like doubts and stuff, but having like that really special friend that's like, "Hey, I just want you to know you're not the same." Okay. I think sometimes we can feel like we are, especially when we get like caught up in our minds and our failures and mistakes and stuff, we start asking like, "Okay, well, am I actually different?" Yes, you are. Just get out of your negativity. But um, anyway, uh, I was a Marbles streamer and things were going great. Things were going well. Um, we were growing. Um, I had the average views up to 30 something and it was going awesome. And then God said no and he shut us down very quickly.

: Um, my husband actually was fired from his job. We were five hours away from every like family member. We were alone. My kids were in school. He walks in and he gave me that look. That husband look.

: Oh, I know that look.

: I'm going to do—and I knew what it meant. I was like, he got fired.

: And just to kick him while he was down, they actually made him train the person that they replaced him with and didn't tell him until after.

: Oh,

: Yeah. Oh,

: So everything was going awesome and like we were doing the subs, we were doing the bits and we were cutting up acting like a heathen, I'll be honest. And it was going great and God shut it down so fast. And then I think I didn't stream for like another two years, I think.

: Oh man,

: He was pulling on my heart those last two years. But I was being so rebellious. It was horrible. Like I'm so mad at myself for being so rebellious. But um, no, I've always felt the pull to stream. I love talking to people. I like to communicate and I like to share and I like to let people know like you're not alone. I know you feel alone, but I'm telling you, brother, sis, you are not alone. Devil ain't got no new tricks, baby. They are not new tricks. And we all been through it. And I will love you. I will hold you. I will hold your hand. But you got to get up and walk.

: So that's really cool. So then you didn't stream for two years. So just to move that forward too, but I want to know what happened with you're living far away from family and your husband's unemployed. How did that story get resolved?

: That was so much fun. I can look back and say that now. It wasn't then. Oh, very few things are fun in the middle of it. And not very often do you have the presence of mind to go, "This stinks, and I know God's going to use it." I've had maybe two of those occasions where I had the presence of mind in the middle of it to go, "Oh, this stinks. I know God's going to use it because otherwise I ain't getting through it." You know?

: Right, right. Like, Lord, I don't see the pinhole of light at the end of the—

: There. Yeah. And I—if I do, I'm really worried it's a train, you know, because it's only going downhill from here because it can't go up.

: That's so true. Lord, take the wheel. I don't know where I'm going.

: Yeah.

: Um, so, okay, we were—so we were doing great, you know, and so I was actually—2019 was probably one of the darkest years of my life was 2019 and 2020. Um, it was pretty bad. It was to the degree that I was ready to cut my mother like out of my life permanently.

: Oh,

: I was like, you and me, like if I come near you—now this is before Christ, guys. Just hold on. Don't go judging. Hold on. This was before I knew the Lord. I was ready to fight her. I was ready like nose to nose. We were ready to dance. I had to get away from her. Well, guess who the first person was that I called when everything just hit the fan?

: Oh, okay.

: Mama.

: Mama. Yeah.

: I called my mama and she came to our rescue and we ended up living with my dad and this tiny little house. It was like a two and a half bedroom house with six people in it. Like it was tight.

: Oh.

: And that's when COVID hit and we didn't—well, the US didn't actually know that we had COVID outbreaks at the time. What had happened was my son got sick.

: And I knew it was weird because of how long he stayed sick.

: Right, right.

: And then my husband got ill and he never gets sick. I mean, ever. He's an alien. I'm telling you, he ain't never sick. And when he was bedridden for almost three weeks, I called my mom and I said, "Mom, this is not the flu. I don't know what this is, but this cannot be the flu." And that's when we got the news from her clinic that people had been calling in and they're like, "Why is my medicine not working? I don't understand. None of the meds that y'all are given are working for any of us."

: And that's when we got the news released.

: Oh, it's COVID. So,

: Yeah,

: We all got sick and I could not come back to stream. I couldn't sit at my computer. I couldn't think straight. And then we were in prayer. We were in absolute desperation. I just remember my husband feeling so defeated and just not himself and he just didn't know what to do. And I think that's the whole thing, right? That's where we have to come to. I feel like the hand of God gets on us sometimes when we just have no other option but to look up.

: Oh yeah.

: That's all we have.

: Yeah.

: And nothing that you can do, nothing that you can logically think of to fix your situation—it's no longer an option. It's just him. Well, he came to that point and he gets a phone call and we were just praying to God. God, we just—please, just we don't know what to do. We don't know where to go. We can't stay here. We're going to keep each other sick. You know, it's too small. He gets a phone call and it's like his dream job.

: Oh,

: It's amazing.

: Cool.

: He gets that dream job. We're able to get a home to rent. It's an actual house, not an apartment. It was a home. We put our kids in a great public school. And it's like everything just kind of fell into place, you know? And then I started streaming again. And I'm going to be completely honest with you, I was still not doing right. I was not acting right. I was acting like a heathen. And things started picking up again. And every time I've noticed that—this is the learning pattern. I just want you guys to know that there was a pattern. There was a pattern when I took things for granted.

: Mhm.

: That's every single time it got taken away from me. Every time he said, "Nope, you can't have it because you're not acting right and your heart's not in the right place." It's like a father, right? A father and their child.

: Yep.

: Why would you continue to give your child something that they are not grateful for or that they take advantage of? Why would you continue to give it to them when they act like that? I wouldn't either.

: Sorry, I'm just trying to think of which kid did I have that did that.

: Um,

: But it's so true that the way we are, we often repeat the same. You were talking earlier about how the devil doesn't have any new tricks. Well, we keep trying to play the same game again and again and again, too. We play the same game over and over again. We repeat our own patterns. Uh, sometimes we don't even need the devil to trip us up. We're—

: That's right.

: We get in this cycle of, well, this is what I do when this happens. And sometimes it's not even our own knowledge that we know that we're doing it. We need someone else to help us know that we're doing that.

: I'll just actually call myself out here on this one. Um, growing up with my family, one of the things that you would do when you were upset is you would talk very sternly to be able to make them aware that this is so we moved to Texas. This is not how you talk to people in Texas. They're not receiving this as any like anything like I'm just letting you know this is upsetting me and we need to resolve this. They didn't receive that any way that way. My wife would go, "You need to stop coming across angry." What do you mean coming? I'm not yelling at anybody. Like I don't yell. I mean I might get excited and raise my voice then, but I don't yell in anger. I talk very sternly. That's so it's like no man, you your face, your face is all anger up in here. You need to stop it. It's not helpful.

: Uh, I won't even go into some of those occasions, but essentially at one point any problem that had to do with the school and my kids because I felt like my kids were being uh disrespected or dishonored by the school system was it is yours, honey. You will talk with sugar and spice and everything nice and it'll be resolved and all I will do is make the problem worse. So it's all you.

: So I get that whole here's here we go again. It took me a long time to figure that out and just go, "Yeah, pause button. Here it is. It's your problem. I can't fix this. Uh, let me out of it."

: Oh my gosh. I wish I had one of those. Oh, wait. What is it? My pastor says, "No, he wants the easy button."

: Oh. Oh, I have one of those.

: Oh, you do not.

: I do. I do. Let me see. Can I reach it? I can.

: Is that the Staples easy button?

: Yeah. My sister got this for me. Oh, the battery's dead. I haven't used it in so long. I do have the easy button.

: That's great.

: Oh, you know what? I just don't have batteries in it.

: Oh. Oh, I need one of those.

: Yeah, that was easy. All right. All right. Back. Yeah. Yeah. If people are normally on my stream, we you know I go down rabbit trails and we come back. But uh yeah, so so it's h it's like I said, this is going to be a fun podcast. Everybody stay tuned.

: Yeah. Yeah. This is going to be fun.

: So your husband got the dream job and then you were doing well and then it was like nope, nope. You're going about it the wrong way again. It got taken away. So pick up from there.

: Sure did. It sure did. And okay, so I'm okay, you know what? We're just going to be transparent. Okay, this is testimony time. We're going to be completely transparent. We listen and we don't judge, chat. Okay, so okay, I ended up getting sucked into a Twitch community that was completely toxic, especially for a married woman. You ain't got no business being there. That's all I'm going to say.

: Okay. And when it's like I said, the devil doesn't have new tricks, but we can be really naive. We can be really stupid as humans. And when things are not going our way, we can be very childish. Um, I started talking to a group of adults basically and I was very angry just with my wife, my husband, my kids, just feeling very unsuccessful, just feeling like stagnant and just ill, you know, about everything. It was very easy to get sucked into the virtual world and being able to just ignore everything in the real life because to me, quote unquote, these virtual people, you know, they were real and listened and they knew exactly what I was going through and blah blah blah and they let me vent and get emotions out and express myself, you know, all that stupid stuff. Well, it got really dangerous with a few of them to the degree that they were like, "Oh, you should come see me."

: And I was like, "Whoa, what? Hold the phone. Excuse me. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I" And then I could hear like that nasty evil voice. Yes, that is what you wanted. You know, that's what you wanted. Yeah.

: If not, you wouldn't have been doing it.

: Right. Right. So when I realized how scary of a situation that I was in that I wasn't very guarded around, I was being extremely naive back then. I'm going to tell you exactly how God shut that down. Okay. Okay. I was having a conversation with somebody at 1:30 in the morning. And again, I had no business having that conversation. It was 1:30.

: I'm getting ready to go to bed. It is pitch black in the office that I'm sitting in on my computer.

: My puppy dog, she comes in there and lays under my feet. And okay,

: I did not notice that she brought her blankie with her.

: She got directly under my chair. Now, I'm telling this person, good night. See you later. I went to uh get up and I tripped on my hardwood floor over her and her blanket and I knocked myself out on the floor.

: Oh no.

: I ended up with a concussion.

: Oh my.

: Bag will tell Bag will tell you the story. He was there. Um I ended up I ended up bruising my left temple, but I woke up on my right side. So I don't remember going from left to right on the floor. Right.

: And that's when I woke my husband up and I was like, I think I have a concussion. And my pupil looked weird and like I called my mom and she was like, "Do not go to sleep." She's like, "Do you have any orange juice?" And I said, "Yes." She goes, "Go get a full glass of orange juice." She's like, "You need to drink it." So I didn't go to bed until like 5:00 a.m.

: But the next day when I told that person, I said, "I'll see you tomorrow." I felt fine until I sat at my computer and then I started getting dizzy. God said, "No, ma'am."

: Oh,

: you are not sitting at that PC. You are not acting like a fool. I believe a million percent that if you want to act like this and you are a child of God, he ain't going to let you act like that. He is going to get your attention one way or the other. And I knew what he was trying to tell me. There was just a lot of things in my life I just did not want to confront. I didn't want to because when we don't want to confront things, that means that you don't want to have accountability for your actions. I did not want to take accountability for my actions because I knew the things that it was fixing to unveil basically. And it was a whole can of worms and all that kind of stuff. But that's basically like how my Twitch career quote unquote has been going up until now. Everything whenever things would start going well quote unquote in a worldly sense of success.

: Right. Right.

: It got shut down immediately. It would never go past it.

: This is the first time I have ever had any some sort of like consistency, friends, community, fellowship, anything. And but now, you know, I've got Christ in my heart. You know, he he he lives within me. And I don't want to do this without him. I want to talk to brothers and sisters around the world. And I just want to encourage them and just let them know it does not matter what you have done. He is right there. Just turn around. Just turn around. Confess your sins of course, but don't do a repeat. Do not do the repeat.

: Yeah.

: You got to learn from your mistakes.

: Yeah. I I see that it's announcing that you you've got a ad break. So I don't know if that's running still on your channel or not. If you wanted to pause for that to happen or or keep going, that's up to you. You let me know.

: All good.

: All good. Okay. Um yeah, it's it's fascinating at times how God can get our attention and how sometimes different places in our life we need that attention to be in more dramatic ways. I remember a friend of mine who I I loved asking the question in seminary, why are you in seminary? How did you get here? And and one of my friends said, "Three fires." Like, "Oh, oh, okay." Um, so he knew he was he knew he was supposed to go to seminary and in college he was running away from God. So he's in a frat and he he's drunk. He fell asleep on the couch and the fire is burning down the frat house and someone said, "Hey, where is he?" And they said, "Oh, he's asleep on the couch." And someone went in and rescued him.

: Well, this still didn't wake him up to to, you know, uh, going to to seminary and getting his life right with God. I don't remember the second fire, but the third one was the one that woke him up. He had a car that only the driver's door worked and the other the other doors didn't work and he had four friends in the car with him driving down the road in the middle of the night towards morning and his car started on fire. And he pulls over to the side of the road and he has to pull everybody who's asleep out of the car through the driver door to rescue all of his friends. And he's like, "Okay, God, I'm I'm listening now. You've got my attention. I'm going to get my life straight and go to seminary like you told me to do. I'm not I'm going to quit being Jonah and running away."

: So the I love I love the story and I love the good stories too because there are people who are lovely and and they've been following God their whole life but there's something about you know understanding you know being the this is my language for for myself not for you being a a numbskull and uh not being a little thickheaded and and God has to you know get your attention a few times before you go oh oh okay I'll I'll go ahead and do what you told me to that that makes sense.

: I'm sorry. That's what I was telling my dad uh yesterday. We were sitting in the garage and just kind of listening to the rainfall and I was like, "Dad, I'm so sorry that you have a daughter that just has to be thrown in the fire in order for her to learn."

: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I did a whole bunch of I have to learn the hard way to make sure it it is correct that you shouldn't do that.

: So,

: Yep. I was like, "Daddy, I'm so sorry." And he just kind of looked at me. I was like, "Yeah, I know. I know."

: Yeah.

: So, what what was the circumstances or or events that made the the dramatic shift for you in your life?

: Oh gosh. Oh wow. There's too many.

: Well, that's okay. We we we've got lots of time. Everybody's here. They want to hear all of it. They'll hang out for three hours if we if we're here.

: Oh gosh. Okay. Well, um, just to be honest, it really did start Oh, you know what? I'm kind of glad you asked that because I just realized a book that I was writing. I wanted to publish my poetry book.

: Okay.

: I was write I was writing a poetry book for a couple of years. And yes, it was during the much of the dark times of my life. And I was getting ready to edit it and put it out there into the world. And God would not let me. He said, "No, ma'am." And I was like, "But why?" I was like, "I have worked on this for years. I don't understand. I think it's gonna help somebody." And he said, "No, ma'am, it will not." And I asked him, "What do you mean?" And the new me, the reborn me, went back and read it and I said, "Oh, I see what you're saying. It was nothing but pain and hurt and dark. It was uh anger on paper basically jumping out at you. And I was like, Lord, you're right. This is going to help no one. If anything, that book that I wrote was going to feed someone's anger, spitefulness, and resentfulness.

: Well, back in 2020, 2021 when COVID hit, that's when I started really feeling the Lord pulling on my heart. Um, I was like, you know, I said, "Babe, there's no way we got where we are today without divine intervention. There's just no way." I was like, "Babe, look around. We couldn't have done any of this on our own. But we tried doing it for 10 years and we failed every time we did." I was like, "There's just no way. So, I don't know. I just I started seeing things differently. I don't know why, I'll be honest, other than just saying he removed scales. Um, I can't really think of any other way. But back in 20 21, yeah, 2021, um, my grandfather was passing away. Um, he was on his deathbed basically.

: Um he did not get a medical diagnosis of cancer.

: Okay.

: But we are about 90 something percent sure it was cancer just the way he looked, you know, and they look a certain way and we knew and we believe it was spinal cancer.

: And my mom and I drove up to Tennessee and basically to say goodbye and watching my family and my mom, um, that's not her blood dad. He adopted her.

: Okay.

: That was her, that was her father. And she was just crying and crying. And I was like, "Mom, I just, I don't think this is ever going to be the last time that you see him." And she's just so unsure.

: And I went into the room basically to say my goodbyes. And I just kind of, you know, you know how you pet their hair. You know, you play. He's laying down and I'm rubbing his forehead with my thumb and I was like, "Hey, Peppa, you know," and he looked at me and he said, um, "I think this is the last time that you'll see me." And I was like, "No, no, don't don't say that." I was like, "No, it's not." I was just petting his hair. And then I just kind of saw in his eyes like, "Yes, it is. At least down here it is."

: I don't know. There was something. I have not seen death face to face or seen, well, I, there's coming upon death. Yeah, I've, I guess in a while, a, as a pastor being in the hospital often, there are times when the person does know and I can't tell you how they know that it's the last time you'll see them, but I've witnessed it as a pastor and I had that with my stepdad as well where he was at my house for Thanksgiving and he was going to be going south after that to go down for the winter by my brother and sister and he was there a week. He saw everyone that was there and then he passed away. But when was saying goodbye at Thanksgiving, it's like I knew this was the last time I was going to see him and he knew it too. We had this hug. Now then there was that debate of do I tell all of my kids who he, he's here, this is the last time you're going to see grandpa and sound like a crazy person. Um, so I didn't share that with anybody else, but I just had that feeling and the way that he hugged me was like, "Oh, yep. He knows it too."

: Um, wow.

: And so it was, it was a like, it's a memory that I cherish of being at, so like, you know, petting your grandfather's hair before he goes is just a special thing to be able to have that moment to look back on.

: And I don't know, like I just, I feel like this is a God thing, like the spirit, because I'm just, I'm just going to be honest with you. I don't like to hug people. I don't, I don't really like to be touched and I don't like doing that. But something in me that day was just like, just, just caress his hair, you know, like his hair, just be nice, be kind. I don't know that, just it didn't feel like a me thing to do. I didn't really know my pawpaw that well. Not, I, I had two peps and he, you know, just another story. Anyway, um, we, I knew him but I wasn't, you know, "Hey, Mom, I'm going to Peppa's house." Like it just wasn't like that, right? There was something about that day and I really had to step back and just be like, "Does he know? What does he?" And well, it turns out that my mom, you know, she witnessed to him. My mom did witness to him that night and that day. And, you know, she's, you know, she's pretty sure, you know, and um, pretty sure we'll see him in heaven, which is amazing. It's just I had to think about it like, okay, how many other people, including myself, like, are we sure? Where are you going, right? Because you know there is no speaking in front of the throne of God. There is none. This, this, oh, it's over. It's over. So you will be silent and it is his time to speak, you know. So that question has been pretty heavy, I suppose, these last couple of years is like, okay, listen. I mean, look at the world today. Let's just be honest. Let's be honest with one another. Let's look around. We're not, we're not blind. He's given us spiritual eyes to see and spiritual ears to hear. We know. So the whole like messing around, playing around, and I'm not going to say lukewarm, but it's like, where you going? Come on. When it all goes black, where are you going?

: Yeah. Well, and some of it too is a whole lot about how are you living? Uh, are you actually living in light of it or did you just kind of go, "Well, I'd like to buy some fire insurance and so I'll buy the policy."

: You know, it's like, like, no, it's not about it's about relationship. Uh, right, you know, opposed to anything else. It it is, am I actually serving? Because and there's plenty of scriptures that point to that. Uh, those who say, "Lord, Lord, we did all these things in your name." And he goes, "I didn't know you. I didn't know you. I didn't know you." Why? Because I just was buying fire insurance. I wasn't actually living for you. I didn't actually care about people. I was just checking the box and going through the motions. So that's dangerous.

: I know it is.

: Yeah. And you know that, um, that was probably one of the first things I told my new Twitch stream. This is my new Twitch stream. I actually deleted the old one. It's closed. It's gone. Yeah. This is my brand new one. And I think one of the first things I love sharing with people is I was 31 years old when I learned what repentance was.

: I had no idea what that was. But living in the south, I live in the Bible belt, quote unquote, you know.

: Oh yeah.

: Everyone down here and their mama is religious or whatever you want to call them. And I would hear growing up in the 90s in the early 2000s, "Well, you better repent or you're going to hell." And then that's all they would say to you. They wouldn't tell you what it meant. They wouldn't tell you what it looks like. They, there was too much religion spoke. There was nothing about a relationship. It was about what you do and what you don't do.

: Right. That was it.

: Yeah. There's unfortunately a lot of people grow up not fully understanding that it is about relationship and we've turned a lot of things into, well, we live as if we have to earn our salvation and then we just say, well, I made a decision and so I have it, but then we're trying to earn what we already have and then you lose it because you didn't earn it. It's like, okay, that doesn't seem to vicious.

: Oh, yeah. Like, it doesn't seem to align with with anything that I see Jesus uh teaching us or telling us.

: Exactly. Exactly. Oh, that's a, that's a, that that's that religious vicious cycle that he was trying to tell people about.

: Yeah. Which really sounds a whole lot like what he kept telling the Pharisees. They were doing it wrong. Um, and and it's like, hm, we've kind of have a lot of Pharisees all over the place. It seems to me.

: It it sure does. And let me tell you, social media is where you find the most of them. Just going to be honest.

: Oh, well, I I am not going to disagree with you on that. Um, listen, there was this social media. Look, this girl, love her. Oh, she speaks fire. And she said, "I just want you guys to know that the modern-day Pharisees are the ones who post their camera up so they can cry and then post themselves on social media praying what they're, you know, that's your modern Pharisee." She's like, "So, what you're saying is that you're crying and then you take your phone, you prop it up, you record yourself, you edit it, and then you put it on social media and I know you ain't still crying while you editing that video." And I was like, "Oh, oh, girl, you got them. You got them." I mean, what are you, what are you doing? Let's be honest. We all know what it takes to sit here and record a video and put on social media, especially on platforms like reels and TikToks. If you are crying your soul out, quote unquote, and you are quote unquote having a moment with Christ and with the spirit, but yet you want to film it and

: Yeah, that was what I was just going to say. I'm now, if it happens while I'm live streaming it's one thing.

: That's different.

: It's totally different. The Holy Spirit got came upon in the middle of a stream which I have seen happen, u.

: Yes.

: But to, but that like premeditated, let, let me just plan for the Holy Spirit to show up right now and we're going to go.

: That's, that's it. I was like, that's your modern day Pharisee.

: Oh my goodness. Letting everybody know that's what they look like or you know the, now listen, now hold on, don't come at me, do not at me, do not nothing, now you listen, first chat, hold on. So I already know y'all getting ready, listen, I am all about helping the homeless and our veterans. God bless our veterans and our soldiers. God bless them and those people who are out on the street who are legit suffering. I pray for you and I think about you and I'm scared for you. I mean, just all of it. I promise I am. But there is a difference when you are recording yourself trying to do a good deed and you want to get likes and comments and paid for your stupid video that you did when you could have done that without recording and you could have really helped that person's life. Why, why are we recording being kind to other humans when that is what God called us to do in the first place? Put your dang phone up.

: Now, now what you want to do if that's the kind of thing that you want to post, find other people being kind. Record them.

: Right?

: Don't record yourself. Now, the one, the one person that I've seen that I might go a little bit different on this cuz cuz I don't believe, I don't know that they're Christian or not, but I I've seen this person who goes around and he finds yards that have not been mowed and have not been uh the sidewalks are overgrown, like totally horrible. And he goes and he takes care of the lawn for people. He goes and does it as a good deed. And I've seen, I've seen the police come and try to stop him from doing it and like arrest him, right? Like, why is this a problem? So I don't think that he is trying to do it from a get likes and things that he started from. He seems genuine and wanting to care. He's got one thing he's doing and I think he hopes it will inspire other people. At least that's the vibe I get from him. I want to inspire other people with my good deed. And you know what? My good deed is the same good deed. I keep doing the good deed. I keep looking for other places to do the thing. I have the skills to do to inspire someone else to follow and pay it forward like I'm trying to do.

: So, and the thing that sets him apart is what I love, that this is what I love. He lets a community know, by the way, this is the way your community is being brand. He brings awareness. Yes. And then he does a GoFundMe for other people, not just him. Yeah. Other people to help that poor person, whoever it may be. I agree with that. But those who are like, "Yo, dude, I'm so and so from whatever company and I've got 10 grand in my pocket. You, I'll hire you for 24, whatever. You're being dumb. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." And they're like, "I'm this business and my name is blah blah blah. Look at me being good." And I'm handing out stuff and I'm like, "Homie, you need to go somewhere else. Just go away."

: It it's interesting how uh there's there is an absence of sometimes understanding the value of relationship and just trying to use people as a commodity or get people to buy things as a commodity. It's it's interesting how that goes.

: Hey, thanks for the follow. Pap said, "Totally letting the right hand know with the left hand."

: I missed that one, Pap. That is awesome. That is awesome.

: What am I doing over here?

: Yeah. Look at the good deed I'm doing over here. Oh, wow. That's amazing. Hey, how you doing?

: A million percent.

: Oh, okay. That was a fun, that was a fun little rabbit trail. U.

: I, no, no, do not be sorry.

: This is fun. This is fun. I'm having a blast, uh, going wherever the conversation leads. But I do want to keep, you know, driving the conversation forward.

: So you were talking about relaunching. What was the thought process of "I still want to do this" or "God's still calling me to do this" and "now it has to be different, so I need to start over"?

: Oh my gosh, that was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made.

: Oh, I imagine. Yeah.

: Oh my gosh. So, okay. I went through an identity crisis. Okay. I think I actually just got over that like this year.

: Okay.

: I just like, we—this is so funny to me. I moved into our new house. Me and Jent were blessed by God with our home. We got to buy a house. Thank you, Lord.

: Very nice.

: And I was like, "Babe, I just—I just want to go back to Twitch streaming. I miss everybody. I miss doing. I miss talking to people, communicating." And I was like, "But here's the problem. There's too many people in that chat who think they can slide into my DMs and say things and whatnot as they wanted to support my channel. So, in exchange, I was going to privately talk to them." And when they found out that I don't do that, everybody disappeared. And I was like, "Well, all right. Weed yourself out. That's fine. Thank you. Um, so what I decided to do, I was like, you know what? I made the heartful decision. I said, "The old me died. She's dead. She's gone. She's no longer here. So, that channel goes with her."

: Yeah.

: So I deleted it. I deleted everything that had to do with that channel—the name, the content, the aesthetic, whatever you want to call it, everything. And then I took a small break. I didn't announce anything off the bat. I was sort of, you know, putting my feelers out there about, okay, who are you now? What are we doing? We do not hide our faith. No, ma'am. You know, we do not cower in a corner. Someone asks, you be honest. I was scared to do that. I'm not going to lie. But I was like, you know, God will send them. If this is something that I'm supposed to be doing, if this is somewhere that I'm supposed to be, then that's then it'll happen. He'll send you the friends. He'll send you the support system. He will send you those people that you can talk to. But here's the thing. We can take for granted so quickly, especially when things are going well and things are going smooth.

: Yep.

: You know, and then our little fleshy starts to get in there and it's like, "Ooh, I want to do this and I want to do that." And then you start pulling away from his whole purpose of you doing that very thing. And that happened to me. Some of you guys are actually in chat witnessing me go through that. And that was later this year.

: I went through that this year when, uh, as a matter of fact, this is going to be a great opportunity for me to bring this up because me and Paps were talking about this in chat the other day. I know that the Christian community on Twitch, I just—I love you guys. I really do. Y'all are like all comfy cozy and just brothers and sisters and I love it. I've noticed that there's almost like a pressure that you have to have scripture on screen.

: Oh.

: You have to read your Bible. You have to have it pulled up. If you don't do a Bible study, then you're just not one. You're not one of us, you know? There's like this pressure and I'm like, you know what? I'm just gonna have to be completely transparent and honest with you guys. I tried doing that and let me tell you something. I felt fake.

: That's talking about me.

: Yep.

: I did.

: I felt fake.

: It goes back to what we were talking about earlier. Just because that's what other people do doesn't mean it's the way you need to do things.

: Yes. Yes. Like, like when I started, uh, I think most of the people I saw that were Christians were doing, uh, "Let's do a five-minute devotion. Let's, let's, let's read a scripture," and so we did our Christian duty and then let's go play games. And it's like, man, I've never been able to read devotions my whole life. They've never resonated with me. They pull out the devotion book, read one scripture, and then someone's short little story that fits on half a page, and I'm like, "How is that supposed to be anything meaningful to me?"

: And I'm not picking on anyone that values those and loves those and you get something out of it. Those are for certain people. And I don't mean like "certain" by "you're different" or whatever. You're just different than me. And or maybe I'm the one that's different from everyone else on the planet, which is pretty clear and obvious if you've watched me for ten minutes in a stream. Uh, so so I, you know, I got talked into, uh, "Hey, you're going to stream. You're going to stream." And I kept going, "What am I going to do?" So mine was, "Well, I can do sermon prep. Let me try that."

: There you go.

: I didn't know anyone doing it at the time. And then it would become a, "Well, hey, do you have any suggestions on reading the Bible?" So my stream evolved from me.

: And so I tell people, "Do you—don't have to do it. We need people that do not have any scripture on stream that are only going to do it in their DMs or in their Discord community because you need to be the safe place for people to come." I, on the other hand, have taken a different approach of—I have "pastor" in my name. And part of—I don't know if I've talked about this on any of the other streams, but it makes sense for us where we're at in conversation. I put "pastor" in my name because I had the experience in person where I would go, uh, out golfing was one of the places, and I'd be out golfing and we get about to the ninth hole and then I don't know why they'd wait till the ninth hole and ask, "Well, what do you do for a living?" I'd say, "A pastor," and they're like, "Oh, well I apologize for what I said on hole one when I went in the sand trap and on hole three when I was throwing my clubs and all this stuff." It was like it felt to me like I bait-and-switched them. And so it was like, "Okay, if I'm going to be a streamer, I'm going to put it front and center and up front, and you're going to know this so you can't ever feel like, 'Hey, I didn't know you were that, and now I feel like you were lying to me.'" No, as a pastor, I felt like I had to have it front and center. And I also don't take myself that seriously. So I needed to have joke around with my name, which I find hilarious and fun. And it also exudes my personality. So it's all of those things.

: But there's the—uh, for me, that's what I needed to be upfront with. And so then me doing Bible makes sense, but I'm also trying to set the table for people that they've had bad images of what a Christian is and how Christians act. And so you come in and you go, "Hey, this is different than what I expected it to be." That's how I'm setting the table. Not everyone's doing that. We need a hundred different streamers doing a hundred different things to reach a thousand different people that the rest of us won't reach.

: Exactly.

: Sorry, I had to get up on my soapbox there for a minute and just kind of go into that.

: That's good because that's just it. Like I had to come out and just be transparent with everybody and be like, "Listen, y'all watched me try to do it and I was unconscious or inconsistent with you and I apologize because it's not what I'm supposed to be doing, right?"

: I'm not called to be like that. I'm just called to be your friend, sweetheart. Like, I'm going to be your friend. I'm going to talk to you and I'm going to give you a comfy place to come and talk. Get something off your chest. Do you need prayer? Like, what's going on? Talk to me. I am your local hobbit. I will make you food and I will listen to you. I will listen and talk with you. But I did let my chat know like, "I love you to the degree that I will not cuddle you. I will not justify anything that I think either you're doing wrong or I'm doing wrong and we are doing wrong. Whatever." I'm like an infamous call-out kind of person. I'm like, "Now listen, we got to talk about something. You ain't supposed to be doing that." Like, I will. And I don't know, just it was so nice though, especially 'cause like Paps was lurking that morning and he just so happened to be able to be at his computer and he was like, "Girl, me too."

: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I've had Paps on on the podcast and it's like, this is a whole different vibe. It's a whole different thing. But really, I think the thing that the church—like, and I don't pick on the big C church from that standpoint. I'm saying we all—I've inherited it. I'm part of the problem. So when I say "the church," I'm also pointing the finger at myself—is that there is the level at which we went through different eras of, "We're going to go teach the four spiritual laws. We're going to go do these things. We're going to go out to people. So you have to learn to do the thing the way we do it." Says that's how you reach people and do all those things.

: And then I go and I look, but Peter and Paul didn't do the same thing.

: And then I read the Book of Acts and Philip's doing some interesting things. Like, all of a sudden he's riding up to people in chariots and explaining scripture to them and then poof, the Holy Spirit's transporting him to other places. I'm like, "Can I do that one? That one sounds really cool to me. Like, that's the one I want to do." Um, you know, Paul going and preaching in town and getting stoned. I'm going to pass—hard pass on that one. Hard pass on the stoning. I'm going to say on the stoning, and, um, find another way. Uh, God, you know, can I like—so if we read scripture and every single person is applying their God-given abilities to do things, we've narrowly focused things to say, "There is one right way and you have to do it the right way."

: Um, right.

: Boy, we really got a theme in this conversation, haven't we, today? Like, we keep coming back to that like, "Quit doing it the one way. There's more than one way." Um, but Jesus is the way. So let's make sure nobody thinks we're saying that that's not part of the conversation either.

: I was just about to say, and John 15 says—so we've—so you started over from scratch, all of those things of launching. How—let me—but ask me—let me rephrase this question a different way. What have been some obstacles that you've had to overcome from starting over again and intentionally trying, and you've already kind of addressed them, but intentionally being true to yourself, what God's calling you to do the way God's calling you to do it?

: To be ugly honest, I used to be a really big people pleaser.

: I mean, to a very dangerous level people pleaser.

: Yep.

: Um, that I—I don't know how everybody here feels about this, but I do believe in lifelong trauma responses.

: Oh, yeah.

: And I've had a really horrible just imprinted in me trauma response to try to have the people around me—I would try to dig out of you a, "Oh, great job" or "Oh, I love that" and "I'm proud of you." Like, I just wanted to hear those so bad my entire life. I never got it. I was never good enough. Anything I ever did, it was not to the standard of which that person expected it to be.

: So when I decided to put myself out here on the internet, like, duh, I didn't think, you know, who would have thought it? But, um, I fell down this horrible, horrible road of people pleasing and I noticed that it started bleeding over into real life when I was acting different around certain people.

: And they're like, "Okay, why do you not act and talk like that with them? Why do you only do that with me?"

: And I'm like, "What are you talking about?"

: Yeah.

: But I've I have learned to be more transparent with my chat. I keep calling them chat, but I don't even know if that's offensive. Y'all better be telling me if that's like offensive and stuff, but you know, I love you. But if I they I kind of owe to them to be transparent.

: These awesome people want to come into the chat channel and talk and hang out and spend their time. Even if it is just lurking, I don't care.

: You need to be at a level of transparency with quote unquote your people. Yeah. They they need to know like, "Okay, well, where the heck did you go for three months or four months or whatever it was? You didn't tell anybody." And I'm like, "Oh, well, I'm sorry. I didn't think you cared."

: Yes, they do. They do care. And you need to tell them.

: See, I made the mistake and forgive me back. I know. I know he's here. He's got to be. But I left him when I had that concussion. Like, as a friend, I left him. I did not tell him that I was sick. And I did not tell him I'm leaving. And it was almost what, seven, eight months.

: And then he found me on Twitch again. And he was like, "Holy crap, she's alive." Yeah. Like you're okay. The last time I heard from you, you had a concussion. He was like, "I thought the worst."

: So yeah, it's learning how to be at a level. I am not telling you one hundred percent but at a level to be transparent with those who have chosen you know to come to be a part of your community your chat your discord all that kind of stuff just I I well I'm going to be honest so being in the Christian community I know we label it label it the Christian community but we are radically small compared to all of totally small. So, it it was a little difficult for me to even be a little transparent because of how small it felt like a small neighborhood, you know, like your mom knows everybody type of situation.

: Oh my goodness, my mom knew everybody.

: It's just um I feel really weird going into my Discord. I'm like, "Hey guys, so this is going on. I will not be around. I am so sorry. I'll be back at x amount of time, maybe. I don't know because I have children. I have young kids. My life is extremely unpredictable. Especially right now. Right now is probably the most unpredictable it's been since 2020. So, I'll be honest with you, I didn't know I was going to make it tonight. That is how unpredictable I was like, y'all, I have got to make this. I want to be here. I want to come and hang out with these awesome people, and I want to talk and communicate, and I want to share. Please let me do this.

: Well, and and you and you talk about the there is and this is if you if you've like because I know some people are going to either be listening to this or watching it on another platform other than Twitch. If you've never been on Twitch and you've not watched Twitch, you do not fully grasp the level of community that is there in the chat. No other platform that I've seen duplicates that level of community in the chat because people in the chat will share about life and other people in the chat will carry on conversations about life. It's not just about the person who is behind the camera or behind the avatar or the voice behind the mask, whatever you want to have for an image there. There is ongoing and you're right transparency is so valuable because that's what they are looking for to be connected to gain trust to say you're worth my time to be here because I know you and I know about you.

: So I but you say that but it's it's not just a a tendency for people to not want to share. I've been in churches with people that would be in the hospital and they wouldn't even tell the pastor that they went to the hospital because they didn't want anybody to know that they were sick. And it's like, right, like we want to pray for you. We care about you. So, we want to be there for you. Uh because it's genuine relationship. And to hide it is hiding and keeping us from being in relationship with you. And I know some of the older generation don't want to tell people their problems. There's they they grew up with you don't let anyone know. You don't show weakness. You don't talk about things. You don't share prayer requests. Some of those kinds of things I heard from many people. Well, I'd have a problem if other people share, but I can't share.

: Okay. Yeah. Uhhuh. Um the other the thing I usually go to with that um I can't rejoice with you to an answer of prayer the if I haven't been praying for you the same way I've been praying for you for six months and you have an answer to prayer. Oh my goodness that was my journey with you. I am rejoicing with you. I can be happy for you if I find out afterwards. But I can't rejoice with you unless I carried the burden with you. And I think I think that's so true. What you're you're saying with chat is chat needs to know you're a mom and life happens and life gets in the way. And chat is so gracious. Oh my goodness. The the communities are so gracious to talk about. Oh, so I haven't told anyone on my stream yet cuz this happened after my stream this morning. So those who are on my stream know this. So, I go to my mom's house regularly and I have to not stream because my mom doesn't have internet capability to stream. It's awful. It's like dial up. It's the worst. She's So, so two years ago, they went through the road and they put the fiber optic in to be able to hook up I don't know what quality it's going to be, but it's going to be one hundred percent better than what she has, right? And they started so an hour away from her house in two directions is where they started working. So after they put it through they've started from both directions to work towards filling everybody along the rural highway to to get internet. She said they stopped by today and told her it's going to happen. So the next time the next time I go to my mom's house, I may finally be able to stream from her house. I'm super excited about that. So anyway, the other another Oh, I know. I don't like I said, I don't know exactly what she's getting. If it's going to be just, you know, uh what I had before before I switched to, you know, five G up and down, which is amazing. I mean, I I can handle just about everything. And somebody told me, you only need one. And I go, well, they offered me the same price for five that I was paying for five hundred megabytes. So, I think five gigs for a year. I'm going to have fun whether I need it or not. So, perfection. Yeah. Okay. So, I boy, that was a weird site. I didn't know it was going to happen, but all of a sudden, I got like, oh, oh, let me tell you some news, people. I'm I like But there's Yeah, exactly. But there's the the transparency that we get to do in Twitch that some of the other platforms are not good at because if you're transparent on some other forms, all of the trolls, all of the haters are going to pile on and they feel like they're justified and they feel like they're it's not that we're immune from trolls uh and haters on Twitch. It's just we have more control in our community because it's live and we have wonderful mods who are in our chats helping us keep the community safe. Uh, shout out any mods. I don't care if you're my mod, your Comfy Hobbits mod, you're a mod to anybody. Shout out mods. Love you. Thank you for that. All you lurkers who regularly lurk in my stream. I got some amazing lurkers uh who who are there day in and day out. They're prepping for life. They're prepping for whatever they got to do. They're driving in the car. They're doing other stuff. And they're lurking and can't can't or they're even at work. I I'm not going to be I'm not going to call anybody out who who's lurking at work. Uh lurking and lurking is is an amazing thing. So, yeah. The Yeah. The level at which we are transparent, backbone. Yeah. Yeah. The Yeah. The the lurkers are the backbone of of a lot of streamers. Yeah. But the to go back to the the point about transparency. If I'm not transparent then and and able to share my struggles, why would you believe me when all I do is share joy? Because that's not true to life. Yeah. If I don't share that I am struggling, how can I share the joy with you? Like I don't I don't know if you know this or not. My my stream knows I have a prayer booth and my local artisan market. I started that last year. Felt God called me to do that. And last month all I could think about on Friday night is h I have to go down there tomorrow. Now I always told my kids there's never a have to. You get to. But I had to convince myself I get to go down there tomorrow. And it was always great. But there was something that was just dragging me down of this obligation. The joy was ripped from it. And the last two Saturdays, I've had the most amazing time down there. Just God-given moments. And it's like the joy has returned of me me going down there and doing stuff to the point I'm like, I can't wait to get down there this week and see what God's going to do. But but sometimes we go through that season. So I shared that with with my stream of I'm struggling. I don't know why. I I can logically think through all the reasons. I know I'm called to do it and I'm just in the season of I'm struggling and I I want to let everyone know so you so when I celebrate and go yeah I had three women that got on the on the the ferry came across the lake came down there and I prayed for them in my marketplace cuz they said hey we need prayer cuz one of us is in this life transition another one is has this going on in life and we all just need a lot of wisdom and discernment right now so can you pray for us and I'm like going yeah absolutely and And then I had a person come in so excited they gave me the biggest donation I've had to the prayer booth in the two years I've been there uh in the space and I'm like going yeah and I had a whole bunch of other things was like going wow God if I would have given up in the middle of I just didn't feel like it I would have I would have I would have missed out on some awesome last two weeks of of stuff going on down there. It was it was fantastic there. Yep. I didn't feel like it. Yeah. I didn't feel like it. Yep. I was feeling like Oh, I know. It It was I I wasn't having a pity party. Um but I was on the edge of wanting to. Yes. Oh my gracious. I had that lesson this year. Um Okay. So, I I'm sure you guys have experienced this too, but like when the Holy Spirit is speaking to someone through you, but also at you at the same time. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I said, "Well, I'm like a mood person." And then as soon as it left my mouth, I was like, "Uh oh, that's not good." I said, "Uhoh, that is not good." Because there was so much in my life that I was refusing to not do because I just didn't feel like it. Oh, I didn't want to handle it. I didn't want to I didn't want to confront it. I didn't want to talk to them. I didn't want the change. I don't care what it was. I came up with everything because I don't feel like it. That is also a very dangerous place to be like mentally. Oh yeah. Yeah. The uh the the attitude of do I have to is is so pervasive at times. And I and I think we've like I don't know if this is is totally why it is, but I'm not trying to blame Burger King, but Burger King has the slogan have it your way. and and if you know if it's not my way, it's wrong. And so we've just kind of adopted that in in all of society that it has to be my way and it has to be what I want to do and if I don't want to do it, I don't have to. It's just that's not beneficial. It's not wise. There's a whole bunch of problems with that. So yeah, totally tracking with you. Yeah, that that's o it's kind of like Well, it's hilarious because my kids teach me.

: Okay, you know what? Hold up. Back up. Just a space before before I do this. If you have children, you will know that the scripture that says that children are a gift from God.

: Let me explain from a mother's point of view. I have been sanctified by my children. They have taught me things in my adulthood.

: Oh my good gracious. I was just explaining, okay, that I'm a mood person, quote unquote, and I don't feel like it. So I'm not going to. Okay.

: Well, I have a teenager. Let me tell y'all something. This little boy. Uh huh. Oh, good gracious. Lord help me Jesus. I have a little boy that I'm teaching how to be independent.

: I'm trying to teach him how to do the dishes and wash his clothes and blah blah blah. I said, "You know what, son? Well, sometimes we just have to do what we don't want to because we have to. Okay, we just have to. You need to get up and you need to do what you need to get done. Okay, get up. Quit crying. Let's do this." And did you know that I wasn't just talking to him, I was talking to myself.

: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, let me tell you, when it left my mouth, I said, "I am talking to you."

: Well, I said, "Lord, I hear you."

: What's really funny is I will have worked on a sermon all week. And then all of a sudden, in the middle of me giving the sermon, I hear the Holy Spirit saying, "Yeah, that's for you." That like, "Ah, oh man, I was trying to lay lay into someone else on that." And it's like, I didn't want to hear that.

: And you just feel it in your. Oh, you just. Oh, that's like a gut punch. Yeah.

: You're like, does my face say that that was for me, too?

: I yeah, that's one of those where, you know, if you ever go back and you review your videos, you're like, I'm skipping that one. I I I done heard it the first time. I don't need to hear it again.

: It's like literally hearing it from your father. Okay. Okay, I hear you. I'm going. I'm up.

: Yep. Yep.

: That's so funny.

: Oh, yeah. So we were you were you were talking about um working on being transparent with your your community and and all of that stuff. And I was asking you about some some trials. So were there other things that were difficult to be able to do in your your new version uh your reboot?

: I think this one I still struggle with today. Um, however, the lessons that my husband and I are going through as a couple right now. Um, just as a married couple, we're in a new season and you. Oh, Lord, that's the thunder. I'm sorry, y'all. It's storming.

: Oh.

: Um, I want to stream in the morning. I want to. I am a morning go-getter person. I'm awake. I'm very crispy in the mind. Whatever. But the Lord said no. And I want to. And if you want me to be honest, that's where most of my audience is is in the morning.

: Mhm.

: Well, I have three kids. I homeschool, too. I have a home. I have my husband. I have my dogs. I have a lot to take care of. This is my job.

: Yeah.

: Needless to say, yeah, I'm a I'm a mom, nurse, cook, teacher. I'm all of those things.

: Well, they need me first.

: All these people in my home need me first. The best version of me, too. So me, I I know for a fact that everything that I have quote unquote worked at like for Twitch, it's all fixing to get flipped upside down because it's now it's all going to be in the evening and everybody is used to me being their morning person, right?

: So I'm not actually looking forward to that. But I'm like, you know what? I have been wrestling with God with this. I have. And a lot of stuff in my home life has suffered because of it.

: So basically, I'm having to let go of a comfort, of a knowing that it's all going to go okay in the morning. You already know who's going to be there, and now it's like, well, now I don't know.

: I don't even know anymore.

: Oh, that's. It's hard, guys. Like, chat, this is hard for me to make that switch because as a as a Twitch streamer, okay, look, I don't work, okay? I I this is this is my quote unquote side hustle. I don't know what people want to call it. I I I just don't know.

: If a blessing comes, it comes. If it doesn't, it doesn't. That doesn't mean I'll be leaving. Let me just go ahead and say that.

: Um but being when you make a switch like that, it's kind of scary.

: You you don't know what's going to happen after consistency.

: Yep.

: And then you have to go, okay, chat. Well, now it's opposite. Sorry.

: But but on on the other side of that, you have started over again from nothing. And so, so in some ways, this is less than starting over from nothing. It's starting over with something. It's just shifting things. But oh, I know I know how that level of things goes.

: That was that was me when I was going in to start the prayer booth was and and this came from uh Pastor Scar uh listening to his talk at uh NerdCulture Ministry Summit and he was talking about where he was at and making some shifts and changes and stuff that he was being called into and he's like so wrestling with God was are you going to trust me again? That was the word that hit me again.

: Wow. It's like h like I just want to I want it easy now. Okay, I've done the trusting you. I I trusted you and I moved my family eighteen hours away from everyone I knew except my sister-in-law to to go and and to follow you to go to seminary.

: And then I moved them all another fifteen hours from there again to to go there. And then I moved them again. It's like I know how to trust you. I don't want to do it again.

: So, wow.

: So, uh that just resonates with the. Okay.

: Yep. You're telling me, you're guiding me. I have to do it again. I can't just rely on what I've already done. There's the. Yep. It's time to do it again. Start over.

: Okay. I'm not feeling it, but I'm not going to fight it because I know where that leads.

: So, a broken hip.

: Yeah. Yeah. No, we uh speaking of like trusting again. So, this might actually be a good opportunity for me to be transparent with chat. Hi guys.

: So, let me tell y'all what's going on. Okay.

: And we're going to talk about that trust again part. That that was massive. Um. That's Pastor Scar. That wasn't me. So, I'm I got to give credit. I got to that there's not everything. So some things I I'll hear and for you know three months I can tell you where I I heard it from and six months later I know it was one of these five places and a year later I don't know I heard it somewhere it was great you know.

: That one is one I don't think I'll ever forget who told me that one.

: So.

: I love that though. Trust me again. And that's this whole walk with life like while we're down here it's again and again.

: We got two weeks ago, my husband was in an absolute toxic job, okay, in HVAC.

: So, if any of you guys know anything about HVAC, you are on the roof. You're in the heat. It's dangerous. It's like one hundred thirty degrees on the roof.

: Yep.

: You don't know when you come home. You're working fifteen, sixteen hours, only getting paid for eight.

: It was just mentally like I don't even I I didn't even know who he was. He changed. His stress level. I mean, the man was having a panic attack in his truck because just a lot of stuff on him.

: He called me. I calmed him down. We were talking about it. Well, let me just go ahead and put it this way. He left. He left his job.

: He quit. And I was like, you know what? I'm glad you did that. He He needed to come home. He didn't need to be in that. Number one, I don't think that's where God wanted him because of what it was doing to him.

: So basically we're back where we were in two thousand nineteen fired.

: Yeah.

: Except this time he left.

: Yeah.

: And I just told him I was like, "You know what? This isn't where you were supposed to be. Look at you. You don't go to bed with sun bruised eyes. That no no sir." So we are now walking completely by faith.

: We have a possible job for him. I'm sure we'll know today, tomorrow if he gets it. If he does not get this job where we are, we're gonna have to move out of state.

: Okay.

: And I mean in the next forty-five days that we're going to have to leave. So if I'm not around, this is literally what's going on.

: Mhm.

: Um we don't know what's going on. And I'm trying to keep everybody like in the loop at the same time. Keep my kids life normal. Keep them in school, right?

: Be here. Be for him. And it's no offense to like my chat or anything. It's like at the end of the night, this is the last thing on my mind because I don't know how to navigate these waters without like losing my house.

: Like literally.

: Yeah.

: So, he has his part-time, but it's not enough to pay the mortgage, right?

: You know, we we ha we have to do what we have to do. But being completely transparent with my chat, that means a lot to me. I want y'all to know like, "Hey guys, it's a storm out there and we're in the middle of it, but I still want to talk to you and I still want to be here as best as I can."

: Yeah. Absolutely. Wow. Yeah. And and that's a level of I think transparency that chat just appreciates because I know you're in it. Then I I can believe what you're saying when other things are going on, when stuff is going on in my life.

: I've watched you journey through it. So I can trust that God is speaking through you into my life when I'm going through the struggle.

: Uh that that you didn't just hide it. You didn't say life was always good. That life is always rosy. That good things are the only thing that we have.

: You know, follow Jesus and and you God has a wonderful plan for your life. Well, wonderful plans can still have a lot of things that go wrong along the way.

: Um, I just did a wedding over the weekend and I usually tell the bride and groom and especially the bride, something is going to go wrong at the wedding. When it does, just go, "Woo, that's all it was. That wasn't so bad." And now you can enjoy the rest of it.

: Um, so, and I think we're. That trust me again part that's where.

: Oh, yeah.

: That's coming in. Oh, I know that trust me again is is not something we want to do. It's the I trusted you. Now I want the payoff.

: Not Oh.

: Oh yeah.

: Yeah. So he's actually. Oh, you know what? This would be a great time to share that scripture that happened because I another transparency moment that I had with chat.

: This is another thing, by the way, being a Christian streamer. Whenever you come out to your chat and you're like, "Guys, I haven't read my Bible in like five months. I just want y'all to know. I've been that rebellious. I have been that selfish. Okay? I have been so selfish to the degree that I refuse to open the word because I know when I do, it's going to smack me right in the face and it's going to be hurtful.

: Uh oh, I lost you. No, she said there were storms. We'll give it a second. See if she comes back. I'm wondering the same thing, Papio, if the storm happened.

: Okay, totally down now. So, I'm going to guess it probably a storm. We'll we'll give it a minute here to to see if if she makes it back, but maybe the storms just cause some issue.

: I still have her open on Discord, so I'll see what she has to say. I hope everybody's been enjoying the podcast so far. This this has been uh a lot of fun just chatting about just being honest just just just diving into what God has been up to, what God is doing.

: Uh I've known Comfy Hobbit around a little bit, but I did not know the depth of this. One of the fun I think one of the most fun things for me about doing these podcasts.

: I get to know the person even better than I already know with those that I know really well. And then I always am learning new things from that I didn't know.

: And so yeah, it's just super cool. Okay. Um I'm going to fill time here on some level. Any anybody got questions that I can just randomly answer and I'll just push the easy button because that was easy.

: We'll just get her back. If I push that button, God will solve the problems. That was easy. This right here will be a new skill for me.

: Filling time, waiting for the co-host, the guests to make their way back into the stream. I've not done this one before. Like I said, I'm not going to call it yet.

: I haven't heard back from her in a message saying anything. So we'll, you know what I can do, though? Um, I can announce that One Reason will be on the podcast on Tuesday.

: I don't know why I'm holding my hands up for Tuesday. So, uh, your neighborhood has been struck by lightning. Uh, I'm sorry. Okay. So, Comfy Hobbit, are you fully out then? You're not able to get back. You've lost power. That's all right. If that's it, that's okay. Stay safe. Uh, yeah. Yes, sir.

: So, no worries. Uh, the only other thing—well, I didn't say the only thing. The two other things I was going to ask and we can do this another time—um, is what are some of the things that you've seen blessing? So we didn't talk about that, and the other is what are you excited about? So, but that's fine. We can leave it where that is and we will just uh, we'll pause right now and say uh, a prayer for you and for your neighborhood.

: We knew storms were around, and so let's just lift up Comfy Hobbit. God, we're just thankful for the conversation that we had. I think it was such a joy and a blessing. And I hope those that are listening to it also feel that joy and blessing. And then we're just praying for the whole neighborhood there, having lightning strike there, being in the middle of the storm.

: God, make your presence known. Make your face shine upon Comfy Hobbit and all of her neighbors. Just be your—um, just bring your peace and comfort in the midst of the storm. Uh, the rain uh is needed, but also sometimes the storm comes with it. And so God, help us to maneuver through that, to work our way through.

: And then where we were just talking about all of the trials that uh, Comfy Hobbit is going through with life change, job change for her husband, of maybe moving, you know, all of those, the sifting and the drawing her to be in a different time and starting over and now again trusting again. God, just give Comfy Hobbit the strength to endure, to put faith and trust in you again and again and again. And we thank you for her witness, what you are doing in her, what you are doing through her and her stream and her community.

: I God, I thank you for that and we ask your blessing in Jesus' name. Amen. All right. So I guess that means we will find somebody to raid out to then.

: So let me find—normally Comfy Hobbit, and if you do know someone that we could raid out to, uh, if you're still listening, I normally do ask who the co-host is, who we should go and raid. And uh, if you've got a suggestion, we can go there. If not, I will find someone to go raid. Papsio, your basement did not need—let me just blow some music in the background while I'm finding someone to raid.

: Your basement didn't need any rain. Well, yeah, my basement never needs any rain. I've got a few suggestions, so we can go there. You got it, though.

: Yeah, sorry, man. How much? Um, any damage or just nuisance cleanup? Not much, thankfully. Okay. Okay. Okay. I think I want to go over—unless Comfy Hobbit has a suggestion. Let's go to Bashidto of Christ. Love this dude. I met him at NerdCulture Ministry Summit, and uh, that is an interesting thing. I have never seen that. I do not know what he has on his stream. So, my mouse when I put it over the top of him on the stream preview becomes a hammer like Thor's hammer, except it's red. So, that's interesting. I've never seen that before. Okay, not seeing an answer from Comfy Hobbit. She may need to be dealing with something. We're going to go ahead and raid Bashidto of Christ.

: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you everyone for being here, for hanging out, for spending time. Uh, I hope you share this with others and uh, just share what God is up to in digital spaces. And I'd love for you to uh, join us uh, on other podcasts. And if you're not able to, uh, we are still working to have, uh, in the next month, which would be August, we'll be starting a new class for equipping digital missionaries.

: So, if you would love to join us, I'll have more info of that coming out soon if you've not heard about it. Or you can go check out the church.digital/edm to sign up or to learn more.

: So, thank you. Thank you. Thank you everyone, and let's go and bless others wherever we go. Need to have a credit scene. I do not have that yet. So, this should not say starting soon. It should just say ending soon. I don't know. Got to figure out some credits for this. But let's go.

: Thank you everybody.